Disclaimer: Rowling owns the Harry Potter books. I own only my insanity. And possibly Sylvie, but you all can have her. Various jokes in here are 'stolen' from various Mary Sue fics. I just couldn't take it anymore. Inspired by Kielle's Nine Men and a Little Lady.
Warning: This contains very minor, very understated slash. I'm only warning you so you know to look. You might miss it otherwise. Also contains silliness.
Journals, diaries, and general chaos
By
Rosencrantz
The Diary of Severus T. Snape
Journal: New school year started. New Gryffindors look worst then last years. Hufflepuffs look dumber then last year and Ravenclaws just look like Ravenclaws. Slytherins images of perfection, of course.
Deciding that this year I shall actually make an effort to find someone. But first, must ask McGonagall exactly what one does in these sorts of situations. Would ask Trelawney, but find her very scary.
Other note. Think elves up to something. They have very suspicious faces.
The Diary of Sylvie Leer, Defence Against The Dark Arts, Part-Veela, and all-around stupendous teacher.
Diary: I love the personalized opening I managed to get on you. So very fitting.
Started my first class today. Students love me. Bonded with Colleagues over dinner. Find potions master strangely alluring.
Must go wash hair. So very hard to keep pure white hair white.
The Diary of Albus Dumbledore
Class started today. Severus acting odder then usual. Minerva spent the entire dinner snickering to herself.
All of the new students look very promising. Maybe this year the new Defence teacher will live to the end of the year. I hope so. I also hope she doesn’t turn out to be evil.
Filch has teamed up with Severus in believing the house elves are up to something. At least he has moved on from the Weasely twins. Will wait a month to see if Severus gets this one out of his system quickly. The theories about Longbottom are strange enough.
The Diary of Severus T. Snape
Journal: Successful day of trailing elves. Have decided that the one called Dobby is their ringleader. Dumbledore says I’m being paranoid again. He always says that. Am I the only one who isn’t blind? He also dismisses my theories about Longbottom trying to kill me as part of my fantasies as well.
Will show them all.
McGonagall says I should give intended person for my affections flowers. And not toxic ones. So picky.
The Diary of Sylvie Leer, Defence Against The Dark Arts, Part-Veela, and all-around stupendous teacher.
Diary: Still love opening.
Minvera says Sevvie was asking her what to get someone he fancies. Must be me. She told him to get flowers. I’m hoping he gets petunias, those are my favourites.
Students have begun worshipping me.
The Diary of Albus Dumbledore
Found flowers on my desk. How odd. Very pretty, however. Put preserving spell on them and placed them on shelf.
Petunias such a pretty flower.
The Diary of Sylvie Leer, Defence Against The Dark Arts, Part-Veela, and all-around stupendous teacher.
Diary: Wonderful opening cannot cheer me up today. Flowers never came. Sevvie obviously lost his nerve.
Isn’t Sevvie such a much nicer name then Snape or nasty old Severus? He shall always be Sevvie to me.
Want flowers!
Students have erected a shrine to me.
The Diary of Severus T. Snape
Journal: No reaction from them yet. Should have given roses instead?
Maybe I should have remembered to put my name on the card.
Longbottom made a thinly veiled attempt to kill me today. Accidentally put in too many spider legs, my wand...
Then he cried and they all assumed it was *my* fault. Stupid people, can’t they see him for the evil he is?
Will ask McGonagall what to try next.
The Diary of Sylvie Leer, Defence Against The Dark Arts, Part-Veela, and all-around stupendous teacher.
Diary: Longbottom came sobbing into my class today. Obviously this is just Sevvie trying to reach out with his delicate soul to the world!
You can see it when you look into his eyes. Those black shiny shiny eyes.....
The Diary of Albus Dumbledore
I may send Severus to Madame Pomfrey. He’s acting increasingly odd.
Found chocolates on my desk. Very tasty. Offered some to Minerva. This sent her into laughter for some reason.
Maybe I should send her too?
The Diary of Sylvie Leer, Defence Against The Dark Arts, Part-Veela, and all-around stupendous teacher.
Diary: He did it again! Only this time I know what the problem is. Minnie is so very helpful.
Received marriage proposal from Remus Lupin. Had to tearfully turn him down. Werewolves shed far too much.
Must go find paper and pens.
The Diary of Severus T. Snape.
Journal: Found map on my desk with teachers offices marked. Professor Leer’s office is circled in bright red ink.
Slightly confused.
She seems to be trying to tell me something. Will ask her later.
The Diary of Sylvie Leer, Defence Against The Dark Arts, Part-Veela, and all-around stupendous teacher.
Diary: He’s finally gotten it right! Seeing him tonight in the astronomy tower.
The Diary of Albus Dumbledore
Severus has started putting up wards in his classroom to keep out house elves. Pomfrey says she can see him on Friday. Good.
Minerva still finding something strangely amusing.
The Diary of Severus T. Snape
Journal: Professor Leer very bouncy and hard to get to the point. Still unknown why she gave me the map. Says she likes petunias.
Not sure how to respond to that.
McGonagall suggests I write some poetry for my intended. Hmm.
The Diary of Albus Dumbledore
Longbottom has fallen afoul of one of Severus’ house elves traps.
Why Severus thought a rope would stop a house elf, I’m not sure. He says he’s figured out who they’re working for. Must try and avoid him until he drops theory.
Talked with Sylvie today. Rather pleasant woman, except every once in a while she launches into narrative and goes on about her having huge blue eyes.
Odd girl. Students love her though.
The Diary of Severus T. Snape
Journal: Poetry is not easy. Have found minor inspiration, however.
Your eyes, so blue, like a raintree potion after the monkey gizzard has been added
Your hair, so white, like the froth of a overheated sleeping draught
And my love for you, it overflows like any potion Longbottom makes in a attempt to kill me!
I should probably scrap the poetry idea. Will ask McGonagall for other suggestions. Couldn’t make it rhyme anyway.
The Diary of Sylvie Leer, Defence Against The Dark Arts, Part-Veela, and all-around stupendous teacher.
Diary: Sevvie hasn’t spoken to me at all since the astronomy tower! I am pouting very much.
He is obviously confused about discovering feelings underneath that cold shell he projects to the world. I just wish he would get over it faster.
Students have picked up on my frustration and have begun sacrificing chickens on the shrine.
The Diary of Albus Dumbledore
Irma says Severus has been taking poetry books out of the library. She says he was humming to himself. I fear something may soon happen to the elves. Must stop him.
Will see him tonight. Not sure how poetry features into all of this, but he’s resourceful.
The Diary of Severus T. Snape
Journal: Poetry books useless. Pince spent entire time peering at me over shelves. She suspects?
McGonagall suggests I just tell them. Maybe. I should practice on someone first.
The Diary of Severus T. Snape
Journal: Well, that was a bust.
Must go back to laying traps. Longbottom attempted to aid elves by disarming them. Won’t be so easy next time!
Elves obviously working for Dark Lord.
The Diary of Sylvie Leer, Defence Against The Dark Arts, Part-Veela, and all-around stupendous teacher.
Diary: Odd conversation with Sevvie. Think he was trying to work up courage for something to tell me.
Very glad he’s getting out of his little phase.
Maybe now the students will stop killing chickens. Filch is beginning to complain. I should start calling him Argie. Filch such a nasty little name.
Must go dance with talking squirrels.
Diary of Albus Dumbledore
Severus definitely acting odd. Made sure to make him promise to see Pomfrey. He spent entire evening attempting to stutter something out and then stomped off.
That, at least, was normal. Maybe he isn’t completely gone yet.
Knew thing with Lupin was too much for him.
Diary of Severus T. Snape
Journal: Darkmark hurting. Don’t wish to see my Lord tonight, as I suspect he no longer believes a word I say.
This cannot be a good thing.
Must figure out way to avoid going.
Diary of Albus Dumbledore
Troubles. Trying to calm Filius down after he came into my office screaming about squirrels and dark lords.
Maybe there was something to Severus’ squirrel theory.
On second thought, it’s probably coincidence.
Sylvie has been kidnapped. Already Vector, Hagrid and for some reason, Binns, have volunteered to rush off and rescue her.
I have decided to send Severus as he was supposed to be there ten minutes ago anyway. He was hiding in a closet.
The Diary of Sylvie Leer, Defence Against The Dark Arts, Part-Veela, and all-around stupendous teacher.
Diary: Have been kidnapped by Death Eaters. How pedestrian.
Already Voldemort has begun to fall for my charms and has made mention that he’s doubting his evil ways.
Now, to reel him in.
The Diary of Severus T. Snape
Journal: Voldemort is spouting poetry. I am disturbed.
Found Professor Leer. She’s on a throne and has been declared his dark queen. Told Flitwick this year’s would turn evil. He owes me ten galleons.
Save her or run?
The Diary of Albus Dumbledore
That one didn’t last long. We hadn’t even made it to Christmas break.
Tempted to let Severus take the Defence job, except I know he’d be gone just as quickly. That would be bad.
Out of lemon drops. Must get more.
Will send Severus to get some next time he goes to Diagon Alley for ingredients.
The Diary of Sylvie Leer, Dark Queen, Part-Veela and soon to be ruler of the Wizarding World
Diary: I love my new opening. Voldie has declared his true love towards me. He is so much better then Sevvie. At least he can get what room to leave the flowers in right! If he was going to leave flowers in any rooms, of course.
Struck terror into muggles today. They scream so prettily. All of the Death Eaters are fighting over me.
I wonder how the various religious sects based on me back at Hogwarts are doing?
Diary of Severus T. Snape
Journal: Am being used as mere candy gatherer. I feel so underappreciated.
Grabbed a few chocolate frogs for myself when there.
So far no one seems to have noticed Dark Queen’s reign of terror. I blame the elves.
Diary of Albus Dumbledore
Decided not to give Severus the Defence job. Instead, I have given it to Dobby.
I feel this is a very good idea.
Very good.....
Diary of Severus T. Snape
Journal: The elves have gotten Dumbledore. Must save him.
Very dramatic, really. Although how I will free him remains unseen.
The Diary of Sylvie Leer, Dark Queen, Part-Veela and soon to be ruler of the Wizarding World
Diary: Elves are most loyal subjects. Dark elfLord Dobby very enthusiastic.
Dumbledore is in our power and Voldie has declared me the official leader. I have also found the most fetching black robe that really brings out my eyes.
Lucie has gone off to live a life of monkhood once he realized he loved me far more then he ever could for Narcissa.
Go me.
The Diary of Severus T. Snape
Journal: Found Narcissa at my door sobbing about some dumb blonde stealing away her Lucy-poo. Decided not to ask.
Gave her tea.
She has decided to help me rescue Dumbledore on the grounds that I help her get at the Dark Queen.
Yay.
The Diary of Albus Dumbledore
The elves are good. The elves are our masters. Dobby is very handsome.
The Diary of Severus T. Snape
Journal: Am losing resolve. How could one suspect such cute little creatures like the house elves? They are our friends, they want to help us....
The Diary of Severus T. Snape
Journal: Disregard that. Snapped out of elf trance by Narcissa. She’s got a nasty right-hook, she does.
Try same tactic on Dumbledore?
No. Have better idea.
The Diary of Albus Dumbledore
I should let Minerva choose the new Defense teachers, I really should. They either never last or they turn on us.
Minor note, Severus has discovered the most interesting way to break whatever it is the elves cast on us.
He does not suggest that we use it on the students. Lady Malfoy, has instead, been going around hitting them. Which seems to work just as well.
I’m rather glad Severus used a different method.
The Diary of Severus T. Snape
Journal: Boo-yah
The Diary of Sylvie Leer, Dark Queen, Part-Veela and soon to be ruler of the Wizarding World
Diary: That stupid Narcissa has ruined everything! I’ll show them! I’ll show them all!
She freed Snape, who freed Dumbledore (by a incredibly icky way. Now I’m beginning to wonder if it was really me he fancied. He has NO taste) and now they’ve freed all the students and the other teachers!
Not fair!
Will launch counter attack soon.
The Diary of Albus Dumbledore
The Dark Queen attempted to attack the school today. Ended up being tragically trampled to death by worshipful students.
How ironic?
Severus is very pleasant when he isn’t going on about conspiracies. Looking into figuring out new ways to keep him quiet.
The Diary of Sylvie Leer, Dark Queen, Part-Veela and soon to be ruler of the Wizarding World
Diary: Dead.
Damn.
Notes after the fact: I cannot believe I forgot to mention Harry Potter himself completely.
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