DarthCricket: I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty

Once upon a time there was a little speedster. His name was Bart. He used to be called Impulse, but then he had one too many head injuries and changed it to Kid Flash.

He had a great many friends that he used to adventure with, but for various reasons many of them had gone off and all he had now were three. There was Cassie, who was a wonder and a Wonder Girl and just his favourite girl, and Tim, who was Robin who was very smart and seemed to twitch when around Bart, but Bart was sure it was affection.

And then there was Kon.

Kon, who was currently being *very* unappreciative of Bart's attempts to let him share the glory of breaking the biggest mystical crime syndicate that Ohio had ever seen.

Stupid Kon.

"Look, Impu--"

"Kid Flash"

"... Look, Impulse, it's just a plastic horse. With a picture on its butt. It is not a symbol of a dark underground."

"UnderGOD, Superboy."

"Whatever," said Kon.

"But, but..." Bart zoomed around Kon, giving him puppy eyes from every angle. "It's big! It's dangerous! We need to save the Ohions!"

"I think they're called Ohioans and why don't you go bother Tim or Cassie?"

"Because I want your help."

"Did they turn you down?"

Bart went fuzzy, disappeared, and reappeared. "They have now. Come on come on come on come on."

"I've got homework to do..." Kon began before he realized what he was saying.

"Pleeeeas--" said Bart before getting snatched up by Kon and flown out a window towards Ohio.

"so. Petal Blossom is a sign of the coming Ohio apocalypse, is it?" Kon said, holding up a package with a gaily coloured plastic pony inside.

"You gotta invert the symbol and you'll see! It was in this really dusty book in the library that sortagotdamagedbutIpaidforitlateranyway.It'sasymbolofthearavagerwhocomesforou---"

"That's nice, Bart. It's kinda cute. Do you think Cass would like it?"

"You're missing the point!" Bart wailed. Behind him, a row of ponies glowed ominously.

"You're right. I should get her something that says 'I respect you, but I also respect your femininity and your need for extra accessories'," said Kon as he leaned down to peruse a shelf. "How's this one? It has a little raincoat."

"That one summons the eater of children."

"Oh, you like it? Good."

Bart opened his mouth to explain that he could just solve this all on his own if Kon was going to be like that when the first darts hit.

When he finally closed his mouth, he was in a ten by ten room, with Kon on top of him drooling slightly.

"I knew it."

"Ten more minutes, Mrs. Kent..."

"Wake up! You've been drugged!"

"You have very bony knees, you know that, Imp?"

"We've been kidnapped. I should have left a note. Max always told me to leave a note."

"Did he?"

"Well, he would have if it had ever come up."

"I really have to go to the bathroom..." muttered Kon sleepily as he stood up and swayed. There didn't appear to be a chamberpot or a far enough away corner. Bart's blood ran cold.

Kon fell over and passed out again, saving Bart from finding out his solution. Quickly he shoved his comatose partner in crime-fighting into a far corner, watched him rebound from the force of it and started pacing in a attempt to figure out what to do next. He was distressed to discover he couldn't even leave a groove in the floor and when he tried to vibrate through the walls, all he recieved for his troubles was a bloody nose and a swollen lip.

After performing the human rubber ball imitation a few more times, Bart curled up to heal. Beside him, Kon made little sleeping noises.

"Bart."

"We are in enemy territory. Who knows who could be listening. I am Kid Flash."

"...I'm going back to sleep. I had two Cassies in there."

Bart twitched.

"Is there really pink elephants in the room?" Kon asked dreamily.

A pair of yellow eyes and far too much messy brown hair appeared over his face. "Are you hallucinating? Are you dying? DO YOU SEE A BRIGHT WHITE LIGHT? Stay away from it!"

"...wow you're pretty. Have I mentioned this?" slurred Kon, reaching up for Bart's face.

"Yes. The last few times you were drugged and incoherent," Bart said and vibrated. "Are you better yet? We have to break free and save the great state of Ohio."

"What did you do those other times?"

"I told Robin you were talking about him."

"...oh you little basta--"

"You are better! Please let go of my throat!"

Kon squeezed. Bart squeaked. The room filled with gas again.

"You know, I've seen you in enough bunny costumes to last me for the rest of my life now."

Bart ignored him and spun in a circle trying to get a good look at his back. "Is this what it feels like to be Wonder Woman?"

"I'm going to go ask them to drug us again."

"No! That's giving in to their insane demands!"

"They haven't given us any demands, they've just put you in a playboy bunny costume."

"It could be a demand. In um, their evil sinister languag--I'm going to be traumatized if I think about this."

Kon sat down and tried not to look at Bart. This was a bad time for laughter. Bart hit faster. Bart had informed him that he was on 'the edge'. Kon wasn't entirely sure that he knew what he was talking about, but was willing to give Bart the benefit of the doubt.

He'd say that Bart didn't look too bad, but he'd had enough questioning about how he identified Impulse in his mind to really want to say anything outloud when he could still repress.

"In any case, this is all part of their plan. Their evil plan. As detailed in the points program pamphlet in the back of the boxes."

"Their evil plan is you with bunny ears and frilly...cloth items."

"Yes. It's insidious."

"No more knock out gas for you."

"They need a sacrifice, you see."

"Oh. Of course. Perfect sense."

"I don't think you're taking this as seriously as you could, Superboy."

"I'm just going slowly insane. Please stop um, stretching."

"I need to be prepared at any moment."

Bart abruptly began pacing again. "We need a plan. When they drag me up to the volcano, you should find some way to destroy their plant of evil while my death distracts them."

"Why doesn't Robin ever have days like this?" Kon said bemusedly.

Bart was suddenly crouching down beside Kon. "Do you understand the plan?"

"Um, they open the door and we run?"

"No! Death! Noble sacrifice!"

"It's Ohio."

Kon paused.

"It's Ohio and it has a volcano?" he said.

"It's a underground volcano. There's a complex evil civilization living under Ohio."

"And you found this out in a public library?"

"The power of books, old chum."

"Why didn't you ever mention this before?"

Bart shrugged. "It never came up."

"You know, Cas--" Kon caught Bart's deathglare. "Wonder Girl would have had a better plan than 'watch me die'."

"It's a perfectly good plan. Now, the plant of evil will be spewing out bright happy pink horses... you must follow this trail and use your laser vision or something."

"...Did I tell you I could do that now?"

Bart waved his hand dismissively. "I've been watching you. I get bored."

"...I feel violated."

"Do you?"

"Not really, I just felt I should say that. Okay, I watch you die, do a little victory jig and destroy the plant?"

"You aren't intending to do a thing I said, are you."

"No. I think I can break open the door, actually. I've been testing it while you plotted your suicide. Being in a bunnysuit isn't the end of the world, you know."

"It's very drafty, okay. And you're going to tell Robin and Wonder Girl."

"Of course I am. And Cyborg and Beast Boy. But that's not the point. I've dreamt about you like that anyway."

"...waaay too much sharing, Kon."

"No, it was just a guilt thing about you dying and stuff. Really."

"..."

Kon decided that was the time to blow up the door, grab Bart and flee.

"I thought Shirley Temple grew up, Bart," Kon looked glassy-eyed over his soda. "I...I should have believed you."

Patting Kon on the shoulder, Bart could only look pitying.

"Um, where were you two?" asked Cassie, looking up from her homework.

"Saving Ohio."

"Fighting a mutant Shirley Temple who intended to eat our souls in a pink plastic extravaganza of gore."

"Shut up, Kon."

"This was all your fault!"

"Oh, Tim? Kon got drugged and said you were pretty again."

"Great." Tim didn't even look up from his computer.

"I did not! I said you were! I always have!"

There was a pause.

"When I'm suffering from delusions and drugs and possibly head injuries, of course."

The pause continued.

"I hate everyone in the whole world right now."

Tim subtly slid away from him.

"He dreams about me in bunny costumes," said Bart cheerily.

Kon whimpered and buried his face in his hands.

"I'm trying to get some work done, can you two be weird somewhere else?" Cassie said, frowning at her papers.

Bart handed her a small plastic package with a pink horse staring out with a vacant smile. "Hey, Kon got you this."

"Oooh. It has a little raincoat and everything."

"What happened to you needing to work?"

"Raincoat!"

"And what happened to it being a symbol of the dark undergod?"

"We defeated the dark undergod, Kon," said Bart patronizingly. "Remember? The one that looked like a pound puppy?"

"...ah." Kon blinked. "Wait, no. You said the dark undergod was the one that looked like a cabbage patch kid. You know, the one that took a chunk out of my costume."

"I was confused."

Cassie finished unpacking the accessories. "Why are you still here?"

"Because I've had a long day, I've fought menaces of the underworld, had to endure Imp doing aerobics in frilly... cloth items, and this couch is very comfortable."

"I do more before noon," Tim said.

"Shut up."

Bart flopped down beside Kon and beamed at him. "We saved Ohio!"

"Yes, yes we did. Please go away before I hurt you."

"So... dreaming about me?"

"Guilt! It was guilt! It was followed by a soldier singing about necrophilia!"

"And this was when I was in a coma?"

A pause. "Yes."

"Cassie!"

"Go away. Both of you. Go take Bart out for soda or something, Kon. Or, I don't know. Something. I'm trying to do homework."

"I want a milkshake."

"Get him a milkshake, Kon. Pretend you're Archie or something," said Cassie, barely looking up.

"Will you be my Betty?" Said Kon, leering.

Tim eyed them. "Please stop."

"Milkshake!"

"Fine!" Kon stood up, dragging Bart by his hand to the door before it occured to him what Cassie meant. He looked down. Bart batted his eyelashes. Kon paused, shrugged, and simply said: "Screw it," flying off with Bart in tow.